Suburban Decay

I havnt texted him in over a week. I haven’t thought about texting him in about 4 days. It’s getting better. I don’t miss him as much.

There’s comfort in the silence. They sit together, one curled into the other quietly. Sometimes the world moves by quickly, sometimes the world seems to stop altogether. Sometimes they are pulled away from this bubble but they take part of this calm with them whenever they go.

I want to run. I want to run until I can’t breathe. I want to run until the muscles in my thighs feel tight and rubbery. I want to feel worked and totally out of synch like all my limbs have stopped cooperating. I need to run. I need to sprint. I need to bolt. But moving is so difficult.

I’m on the floor in the bathroom and crying because… I don’t know. And I realize the walls are painted lilac. They have been this way since the remodel, which was when my brother was three so…7 years ago?, and I don’t even notice them anymore. I go into this room every freaking day and I don’t see anything. It’s the perfect metaphor for my life right now. I do the same things every day and I don’t see anything. And I know that sounds cliche and stupid but it’s true. I don’t even know the names of the streets I walk on everyday. I just put my iPod in, tune out the world and make sure not to get hit by a car, or bus or train or a Segway. I want to change. I want to notice things and be present in my life again but I dont want to be in my life. I’m sick of San Jose and how suburban it is. I know its a good place to grow up, it’s safe and I have a big backyard and went to great schools but i’m tired. I’m tired of having to shop in malls or having to get my mom to take me to stores next to porn shops. I’m tired of having to ask for rides because the VTA is limited.

I want to bolt. I want to run somewhere so new I notice everything. I want new corners and new streets to navigate. I want to look in the mirror and see the dark, pierced, tattooed girl I am inside, reflected. I don’t want to be called Katie by anyone ever again, even accidentally. I’m just done.

 ‎3 years old - “mommy, i love you”
13 years old - “WHATEVER MOM !”
16 years old - “Mom is so damn annoying”
18 years old - “i wanna leave this house!”
25 years old - “Mom, you were right”
30 years old - “i wanna be with my mom again”
50 years old - “i dont want to lose my mom”
70 years old - “i would give up everything for my mom to be here with me”

We only have 1 Mom.
Reblog this if you appreciate your Mom.

I’m feeling very… I don’t even know. It’s raining outside which makes me vey happy and I want to go dance in it. But I’m alone. Who wants to dance alone? H is escaping her family for tomorrow to live with me so maybe then we will dance. I’m better when she’s around. My world seems to pull its self together and revolve around this hyper midget. We fit together perfectly. when I eventually get my jacket back it will smell like her again and then maybe my world will stay bright even after she leaves.

so, the whole remember when thing is beautiful. but i just got stuck in jail. HEY WAIT! FIRST TIME EVER IN JAIL! THIS IS PERFECT! LAST GLAMNATION, FIRST JAIL! anyway. just wanted to say goodnight to you. i love you beautiful people. see you tomorrow to reminisce some more!

I cant keep doing this. I just internalize whatever is bugging me to the point of no return. I’ve been so…confused and tired and frustrated and sad about everything lately that everything has taken a back seat to just surviving one more day. Im all for surviving but I cant survive much longer if i keep doing it like this. 

I just almost failed a spanish test,a geometry test and i have finals when i get back from break. I have never failed anything. i hate this i hate this i hate this.

_____________________________________________________________________

This was saved in my drafts. I remember writing it. I remember the closed in feeling like nothing was ever going to get better. I had two weeks off. Everything changed. The first week i lay in bed and wrote this ^, and the second week i was forced into the outside and to the gym and the beach. And it got better. And this week I’ve been working on Sparkling Harder. It is getting better now, RIGHT now, but its up to me. I just have to remember that and i will make it through. 

a change is gonna come. that change is starting now. we have a long way to go but we are going. “its been a long long long time coming but i know a change is gonna come.”

I think one of the best things about listening to obscure/not top 40 music in this technology age is that we can communicate with the artists. Directly and quickly.

Today, Cassidy Haley asked how peoples days were. My day, not so good and I told him so. He was kind enough to tweet back multiple times and motivate me to face tomorrow with a smile. Cass is amazing

Tomorrow is Beccas birthday and I DMd one of our favorite artists, kasey from Romance on a Rocketship, because he recently started following me and ask him to tweet her happy birthday. He just did.

Being able to be in contact with the people who make our days more bearable is so nice and inspiring.

Plus the music is better. :)

I wore the shirt we both have for the first time since you left. I only cried once at night. Progress right? Eventually that shirt will be mine an have no connection to you in my mind. Eventually my memories will be mine and not involve you. I’m hoping that day comes soon because my heart breaks a little more every day

kelseyflute:

Let me get this straight - Larry King is getting his 8th divorce, Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time, Britney Spears had a 55 hour marriage. Jesse James and Tiger Woods cheated on their wives, yet the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the institution of marriage? Really? REALLY? Repost to support equal rights for all.

Tumblr should let you reply to your replies. Unless it already does in which case I’m stupid.

I like grey.

When things are black and white I feel like I’m missing something.

If somethings “black”it’s wrong That seems to simple.

When somethings “white” it’s right. Thy scares me.

Grey feels like it’s possible. With grey there are variations. Mostly bad to mostly good.

Grey is real

Abahahahahahabs I slept!!!!! Lalala nothings going to break me today! Say whaaa

I think I’m dying. Ow.

i saw CMTs production of hairspray tonight because my choreographer was in it. I went with a huge group of the cast which is like my family which was great. But the cast was so talented and the lead guy is a senor at Bellermine which is the local all guys christian high school. I would love to be that talented. to be good at the thing i love to do. i think my voice is getting worse and my range is getting smaller. great.

life is exhausting. 2 minutes until tomorrow.

I’m just going to vent a little. Sam had been to the hospital three times this year. The third was today. I get out of school at 2:45. I check my texts. “mom: Sam fell on other knee. Dad taking him to hospital.” so how do I get home? doesn’t matter apparently. Call my mom. “borrow money from someone. Take the train.” yeah okay.

I’m just gonna find money somewhere. Take the train to Campbell and get home from there how?!

So I took the train for half and hour to Campbell. Walked in the downpour. To give you a visual imagine: A girl is walking across the train tracks. She is wearing a gray skirt and black tights. Her shoes are black and seem to sparkle in the light. Her head is covered by a hood but the tips of headphones are visible. Her black jacket clings to the blue sweater underneath. She doesn’t look at you, stares straight ahead to make sure she can cross and then back down. Her body bowed by the weight of her backpack and seems to be trying to wish away the rain. She glances at you for a second. She looks sad, lonely, forgotten but at peace.

That was me. I walked a few blocks to a cafe where I camped out till my dad picked me up. THEN he drove me home dropped me off in the middle of our street and sped off. I stood there in my uniform, in the rain, my backpack in the street and muttered “fuck this.” grabbed my bag and let myself in.

Then I cried.

I tried to explain my sparkle harder philosophy to my mom and she said ” that’s the most moronic thing I’ve heard all day. It’s very San Jose.”

Yes she said it in a joking matter but it hurt. I’ve been flailing around looking for something to grasp on to. To hold on too, to tell my self every moment I feel lost.

Sparkle Harder.

I don’t even mind the moronic part. I accept that on the surface it seems superficial to some but “very San Jose”?!

San Jose is what I can’t wait to get out of. It’s small and empty and boring. I don’t want to be anything like that. It’s restraining and limited. I want to be free and tall. I want to be cultured and happy. I want to dance in the rain with someone special. I want to walk through a downtown and see people. To see art. To see happy. When I walk through downtown San Jose i see gray empty buildings on empty streets. I see a city college. I see homeless people and I see gangs.

I want to get out of here. She knows that. 3.73 years till I’m gone. I can do it. I can do it if I sparkle harder. If I get out of bed every morning with the intention of being just a teeny bit better than yesterday.

Sparkle harder. San Jose is almost gone. Just a few more sparkles till I’m free.

I had an epiphany. I’m the only person who can make this day better. I’m in control so I should sparkle harder. Tomorrow, next year. Right now. Right. Now.

If I have a down day, that’s fine. Tomorrow I’m going to get up and add one more sparkle to my day. One more laugh, one more smile, one more good deed.

I’m going to sparkle and i am going to sparkle hard and NO one can stop me.

I think my bible is homophobic. And not in the “being gay is a sin…god hates you…blah blah blah” stuff. We were using our bibles in religion yesterday and I went to the index thingy and looked up homosexuality. When I flipped to the page, there was a side bar saying that this passage while often used to “prove” gods hatred toward gays, it can more accurately be interpreted as god saying everyone sins and just using homosexuals as an example. He could have used anybody but he chose gays. That’s still homophobia. As glad as I am that the bible my school told me to buy isn’t out and out homophobic, it’s still discrimination. And that makes me mad

I’m in a downwards spiral. Cant sleep because I haven’t exercised. Can’t exercise because I have to much homework. Can’t do homework because I’m haven’t been able to sleep.

change-my-mind:

good morning, december
i’ve waited for you for 365 days.

this isn’t my first lonely december morning
and i’m willing to bet
it won’t be my last one.

but hopefully, there will be a december morning
where i can cuddle up
with someone i love
and maybe, just maybe
i won’t be as cold as i am now.

So so true

*I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

*I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

*I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

*I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

*We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

*I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

*I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

*I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

*I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

*We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

*I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

*I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

*I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

*I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

*I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

*I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

*I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

*I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.

*I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don’t believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

*I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Re-post this if you believe homophobia/transphobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it.